Smart Men Are Overrated...

relationships

For the same reason that I won’t have my husband’s name tattooed on my body, though we’ve been married 25 years, I am very reluctant to write about relationships dare I jinx my own.

I can only write from my own experience as a white cis-gender heterosexual woman and I understand that every relationship has its own dynamic, and faces its own particular social perceptions, expectations and challenges.

I’ll start by telling you what i’ve been telling my daughters since they lay in their cribs.

  • Stay away from men who believe they’ve had an unhappy childhood. You’ll spend too much time, emotion and energy coping with their depression and anger. Trying to give them all the love they feel they missed and trying to make up for all the wrongs they think they experienced is futile.

  • Choose men who LIKE women. NOT men who “adore”, “worship”, “love” etc. women. If a man says he “puts women on a pedestal” run for your fucking life.

  • Look for men who talk to women without flirting.

  • Stay away from men who reserve their kindness, generosity, and friendship only for those who have something to “offer” them.

  • Sons of single mothers are a good bet as they have a greater respect and understanding of the struggles women face and the sacrifices they make.

  • Smart men are overrated, as are talented men - you do not become smarter or more talented by bedding a genius. The exception to this rule is a man whose kindness exceeds his intellect and abilities.

  • Stay away from men who don’t like their mother or sister(s).

  • Look for men who are very hard workers and do everything with passion and ambition.

  • If a man says that his last partner was a “crazy bitch” or some version thereof he will someday say the same about you to his next partner.

  • Choose men who are nice to waitstaff and tip generously.

  • Stay away from men with false egos based on puffed up pride instead of on accomplishment.

  • Partner with “trainable” men. When you say “I wish you wouldn’t walk out of the room when we disagree, it feels dismissive and disrespectful,” he remembers and the next time (there’s always a next time) you quarrel he stays.

  • Name calling is a huge red flag. “You’re such a bitch” is unacceptable and when said over and over again over time breeds resentment, anger and shame.

  • Avoid men who think they are too good for any type of gainful employment. Fortunes turn all the time and you want a partner who will work at McDonalds if it means paying the rent.

  • Look for men who handle stress and frustration well. Life is stressful and you do not want a partner who is easily emotionally overwhelmed by life’s ups and downs.

  • A sense of humor is HUGE! It is hard to forgive or stay angry with someone who makes you laugh.

  • Manners!

  • Personally I am also suspicious of hyper groomed men and men who spend a fortune on keeping up with the latest trends. More often than not the guy who pulls up in a Jag is up to his ears in debt.

  • Be alarmed if they can’t be gently teased.  

  • Find a man you’d want in your foxhole….

Even if you’ve found the perfect guy, relationships are hard work. You both have to wake up every day, decide you still want to be together and then ACT like it. This means being kind all the time. It involves constant compromise and the ability to adapt to the many phases of a long term relationship. That said, if it’s bad and seems to be staying that way, leave.

But when it’s good, it’s really worth it…